October 3, 2023
When your child does something other than what you want them to, how do you react? How do you parent the situation? This reveals your parenting style. Parents generally spend most of their time in one category, but can also use the other categories.
In 1966, Diana Baumrind penned the original paper on parenting styles. In her research, she discovered three distinct styles she called Permissive, Authoritarian, and Authoritative. Since then, others have contributed to the topic, but her writing remains the cornerstone work on parenting styles.
Three Parenting Styles
The following descriptions come from Baumrind’s papers (in 1966 – Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior, Child Development, 37(4), 887-907, and in 1967 – Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior, Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75(1), 43-88).
Permissive
“Attempts to behave in a non-punitive, acceptant and affirmative manner towards the child’s impulses, desires and actions. She [the parent] consults with him [the child] about policy decisions and gives explanations for family rules. She makes few demands for household responsibility and orderly behavior. She presents herself to the child as a resource for him to use as he wishes, not as an ideal for him to emulate, nor as an active agent responsible for shaping or altering his ongoing or future behavior. She allows the child to regulate his own activities as much as possible, avoids the exercise of control, and does not encourage him to obey externally defined standards. She attempts to use reason and manipulation, but not overt power to accomplish her ends (p. 889).”
In my experience, permissives seem more interested in being their child’s friend than their parent. They can also seek the approval of their child as a priority, instead of parenting toward what is best for the child. They often allow themselves to get “run over” by the child, and frequently change previously given consequences.
Authoritarian
“Attempts to shape, control and evaluate the behavior and attitudes of the child in accordance with a set standard of conduct, usually an absolute standard, theologically motivated and formulated by a higher authority. She values obedience as a virtue and favors punitive, forceful measures to curb self-will at points where the child’s actions or beliefs conflict with what she thinks is right conduct. She believes in keeping the child in his place, in restricting his autonomy, and in assigning household responsibilities in order to inculcate respect for work. She regards the preservation of order and traditional structure as a highly valued end in itself. She does not encourage verbal give and take, believing that the child should accept her word for what is right (p. 890).”
My experience of authoritarians is that they seem more interested in being “right” than effective. Their opinion on everything leaves no room for the opinions of others. They can also stubbornly stick to previously given consequences even when new information clearly leads to a different conclusion.
Authoritative
“Attempts to direct the activities of the child but in a rational issue oriented manner. She [the parent] encourages a verbal give and take, shares with the child the reasoning behind her policy, and solicits his objections when he refuses to conform. Both autonomous self-will and disciplined conformity are valued. [She values both expressive and instrumental attributes, both autonomous self-will and disciplined conformity] … Therefore she exerts firm control at points of parent-child divergence, but does not hem the child in with restrictions. She enforces her own perspective as an adult, but recognizes the child’s individual interests and special ways. The authoritative parent affirms the child’s present qualities, but also sets standards for future conduct. She uses reason, power, and shaping by regime and reinforcement to achieve her objectives, and does not base her decisions on group consensus or the individual child’s desires. [… but also does not regard herself as infallible, or divinely inspired.] (p. 891) [Note that portions in brackets are significant additions to the prototype in Baumrind (1967).]
Authoritatives are genuinely interested in what the child thinks and feels. But they do not allow it to determine next steps or consequences. They are good listeners, adapt quickly to what is already present, tend to teach new skills if needed, and provide information that is contextually relevant.
A Fourth Parenting Style
In 1971, Baumrind published a paper adding a fourth parenting style, Uninvolved/Neglectful. “Neglectful parents are not warm and do not place any demands on their child. They minimize their interaction time, and, in some cases, are uninvolved to the point of being neglectful. Uninvolved parents are indifferent to their child’s needs, whereabouts, or experiences at school or with peers. Uninvolved parents invoke such phrases as, “I don’t care where you go,” or “why should I care what you do?” Uninvolved parents rarely consider their child’s input in decisions and they generally do not want to be bothered by their child. These parents may be overwhelmed by their circumstances or they may be self-centered. Parents might also engage in this style if they are tired, frustrated, or have simply “given up” in trying to maintain parental authority” summarized by Baumrind, D. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology Monographs, 4 (1, Pt. 2). Link to http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1971-07956-001
How teenagers described these three parenting styles
While working in a residential facility, I taught on these parenting styles and asked the 50+ teenagers in attendance to give each style a nickname. As I described each, they were full of questions and comments, such as, “Is that why…” and “That so makes sense.” They recognized these parenting styles immediately and could also insightfully dig into the possible motivations behind them. The nicknames they came up with were door mat, Hitler, and coach respectively.
Over the years, I have educated individual teenage clients on these parenting styles as well. They, too, have recognized a particular parenting style in their own parent(s), asked questions, and contemplated on the motivation behind each.
How parents have reacted to these parenting styles
Educating parents about these parenting styles has provided a mixed bag of responses. Sometimes they already knew they weren’t parenting effectively and were open and honest about how they had parented and why. Sometimes the parents were shocked to find out that there were categories that parents generally fall into. Oftentimes, their biggest shock was what their child had to say.
I use parenting styles not only to teach both the parents and the child (usually a teenager), but as a feedback mechanism for the parents to hear the perspective of their child. Regardless of how they initially reacted, they always wanted more information… from their child.
Try it! Describe the above parenting styles to your child (in age-appropriate language), and ask your child which category you fall into most often. Then ask for examples of how you might show up in all three categories. You will likely learn something about yourself.
CEO at Thrivology
Todd has a Master of Science degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Harding University and has been a therapist for over 22 years. He has extensive experience with teenagers and families treating relational problems, addictions and behavioral problems.
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