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The Paradox of Expectations

Brain

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October 10, 2023
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When our children are born, we can be idealistic in our dreams for them. Our expectations are high for what we will do, and what they will do. We will teach them all kinds of things, and they will understand what we are teaching, follow our advice, and thank us for it when they become parents. You did that too, right?

We want our children to learn how to think about the world around them. Our expectations are built upon these things happening. So we expect that when we give instructions that they will be carried out without reminders. We also expect that the life lessons we have taught our pre-teen throughout the years will be acted upon consistently. And we certainly expect that chores and responsibilities, after years of practice, will not be a problem at all. In short, we expect them to mature into people who think and act like we do. Like adults.

Not so fast my friend. Allow me to introduce you to two parts of their developing brain that say otherwise.

Amygdala

An early key part of the limbic system, the amygdala is the primitive beginning of the brain where basic emotions (fear, love), gut reactions (freeze, fight or flight), as well as instinct live. Fundamentally, the amygdala is the brain’s survival mechanism. It has been said that until somewhere between 9 and 12 years of age, this is the part of the brain that is essentially in charge. Research supports the idea that the amygdala matures for girls at around 10 years old, and for boys at around 12 years old. This is far ahead of the other structures of the brain.

What this means is that it’s entirely possible that the operant mechanism for decision making in a child under the age of 12 is survival. “Am in trouble?” Survival = blame, lie, escape. “My siblings or peers are pressuring me.” Survival = go along, pretend, fake it.

This desire to survive trumps all decision making. In fact, rational decision making (like an adult) is not due to arrive on the scene for another 12 years. This is due to the still developing pre-frontal cortex, which is the last part of the brain to develop.

Pre-Frontal Cortex

This part of the brain has been covered in a previous post, but suffice it to say that until around age 24, expect your child to be thinking with jello. That is when adult-like reasoning arrives in a fully developed brain.

When you consider these two brain development factors (survival until at least 11, executive functioning with adult thinking coming online around 24), should we expect consistent rational decision making, executive functioning, inhibition control, and emotional regulation from children and teens? No, we should not.

While coaching many parents of teenagers who were complaining about the decision making of their teen, I have said numerous times, “Why did you expect adult thinking and decision making from someone who does not have the brain of an adult?”

What you can expect is for children and teens to not act like an adult. Read that previous sentence again. Expect them to act like a work in progress, to make mistakes, to struggle with emotion management, and to make decisions that you don’t agree with. Adjusting your expectations into something that they can reach helps both of you.

Maintaining out of reach expectations sets children up for frustration, and parents to feel like a failure. The paradox is that although we set out to do what we think is right, it can bite us hard.

Todd Call
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