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I Just Found My Husband Watching Porn! Now What?

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May 2, 2024
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What do you do when you discover your husband is watching porn? When you were dating, you asked the right questions. Do you have a porn problem? Have you viewed porn? Are you a porn addict?

He replied with something like…

  • “I used to view it, but I quit.”
  • “I was addicted, but I got help.”
  • “No, I don’t look at porn.”
  • “I only looked at it as a teen. I outgrew it.”

And my personal favorite, “I looked at it, but I didn’t like it.”

Obviously, he lied. Now what?

Pornography At Early Ages

First, Common Sense Media released a new research report in 2023 “that confirms some startling truths about how teens engage with pornography. The report, “Teens and Pornography,” found that 73% of teen respondents aged 13 to 17 have watched pornography online—and more than half (54%) reported first seeing pornography by the time they reached the age of 13.” That’s seven out of ten teenage boys! Your husband began viewing porn long before he knew you existed. That probably doesn’t help you feel any better, but it means he’s had this problem for a long time. 

Please understand, you are not to blame. But you must deal with your feelings. You will feel anger, betrayal, hurt, but most of all, feelings of inadequacy. “Do I need to lose weight?” “Does he still love me?” “How am I suppose to compete with those women he has been watching?” And the most haunting question of all: “Is viewing porn grounds for divorce?” After all, he has been lusting after other women in his heart, in his secret fantasy life. Isn’t lusting after other women a betrayal of our wedding vows? For more on this, see Brad Hambrick’s article on: Is Pornography Biblical Grounds for Divorce?

Next Steps

The next steps are critical for addressing a porn betrayal. He has to install internet filtering application(s) to prevent him from continuing to view porn. Covenant Eyes is one of the most popular apps. He should allow you to change his internet passwords, and you should have access to all his devices. Yes, you can, and should, check his devices on a regular basis to assist your husband’s journey toward abstinence. 

You may not want to do this, but here is a list of trust rebuilding behaviors to help you understand why your involvement in his abstinence journey is vital:

  • Honesty in the form of transparency is crucial to rebuilding trust
  • Your husband ought to be able to hand you his phone without hesitation when asked
  • Remove all opportunities for secrecy, including but not limited to: cutoff all contact with the pornographic material
  • Disclose all device(s) which have been used for contact (secret cell phone, work computer, etc.)
  • Preferred times & places for indulging in his addiction (downstairs bathroom, middle of the night while you’re sleeping, after his favorite recreational activities (lingering to get home on time).

There are two camps when it comes to how much a partner discloses after being found out. One camp says tell her everything, no secrets. The other, tell her only what she needs to know. I endorse the second camp. I have had too many women in my office who wanted to know everything, but then suffered because they couldn’t get some of the images out of their mind. My guiding principle is this: Be careful what you ask to know, once you know it, you can’t unknow it.

Below is a video from David Powlison of CCEF (Christian Counseling Education Foundation) to help you decide what to know, and what you don’t need to know.

Resources For Overcoming Porn

It is highly recommended that your husband join a group for sexual addicts/porn addictions. Check into local churches for sex/porn addiction recovery groups. He can begin individual therapy with a licensed therapist who specializes in sex/porn addiction.

It is important to believe: there are many men who have defeated their porn addiction, and your husband can be one of them! But he cannot do it alone. Accountability is what has been lacking in his life, and accountability is the tool of choice for establishing abstinence in his life.

Understand this, porn is an embarrassing problem for a lot of men. They’re ashamed they view it. They have tried to quit many times, but cannot seem to resist the seduction of porn. Remember, you caught him viewing porn, he didn’t come to you to ask for help (unless he did, which is awesome!)

Related: How To Navigate Betrayal After Pornography

The following resources are recommended for your husband to begin implementing in his life if he’s serious about quitting:

If you have discovered your husband’s pornography problem and would like help, for yourself or as a couple, give us a call.

Jeffrey Scogin
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