August 1, 2023
The family you grew up in – your family of origin – gave you gifts and burdens through the relationships and experiences you had. You then carry these with you for years to come as they affect your expectations in relationships and how you react to others.
What are the gifts you received from your family of origin? Hard work. Courage. Never quit. Love. Family. Togetherness. Boundaries. Worth.
What are the burdens you received from your family of origin? Laziness. Fear. Independence. Isolation. Secrets. Everyone else is more important. Worthlessness.
Depending on how you look at it, a burden for one person could be a gift for another. For instance, one person could view their highly dysfunctional family of origin as a burden because of subsequent messy relationships, whereas another person views it as a gift because it forced them to learn different and better ways to do relationships. You could even say every burden is a potential gift depending on your perspective.
Notice how these gifts and burdens might shape relationships? Then expectations and reactions can also be impacted by them as well.
Expectations & Reactions
Everyone has expectations whether they realize it or not. But how did family of origin shape those expectations? How about a family where it was an unspoken expectation that when mom makes dinner everyone thanks her for it. Then the daughter gets into a relationship where that doesn’t happen and her resentment in the relationship builds over time because her unspoken expectation is not being met, and doesn’t even realize why she feels the way she does.
Reactions are much the same. Whether emotional or physical, reactions are based on what we think or believe in a situation. These patterns of thinking can be based on past experiences, so they may be conscious or unconscious.
The good news is expectations can be changed. Once a person understands what their expectations are (spoken or unspoken), they are able to decide if they want to continue with them, or change them.
More good news; reactions can also be changed. Self-awareness is key to understanding the thinking and belief structures involved. Once those are understood, changes can be made.
While your family of origin cannot be changed, what you take from it, and those experiences, can be changed. Boundaries are an example of something that can be changed that you learned from your family of origin. You probably already know what your gifts and burdens are. If you need help finding and changing your expectations and reactions, our counselors can help you create a plan to do so. Give us a call today.
CEO at Thrivology
Todd has a Master of Science degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Harding University and has been a therapist for over 22 years. He has extensive experience with teenagers and families treating relational problems, addictions and behavioral problems.
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