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Failure or Success: How Parents Judge Themselves

Parenting

July 18, 2023
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Parents often feel like a failure in raising or parenting their children. This can be based on a single conversation or event, or a pattern of several things over time. In my over two decades as a therapist, I have talked with many many parents who said they felt like a failure with their children. And the reasons are as many and as unique as the children themselves.

Feeling like a failure as a parent is very common. WaterWipes, a baby care brand, conducted a global study of over 13,000 parents that showed over half of them (55%) felt like they’re failing within their child’s first year. And because of that, they made a 16 minute documentary showing a more honest take on what it is to be a parent.

Below is how this was explained to me long ago. Parents who’ve heard it have agreed with it wholeheartedly, which is proof enough for me. I do some of my best learning from my clients.

How Parents Judge Their Success

We all judge our own success as a parent  based on different criteria or interpretations. However, mothers and fathers generally fall into the following two camps. This is not to say the opposing category is not important, but that the majority of people fall into these two categories.

Mothers judge their success on relationships. Can they make good friends? Do they have good friends? Do they have a best friend? Do they have the social support they need from their peers? Can they be a support to their friends?

Dads judge their success on competency. Can my child get things done? Can they get and keep a job? Can they manage money? Can they get the oil or tires changed on the car on time? Are they resourceful enough to find someone who can do the things they can’t?

As you can see, this creates different goals in parenting your children. Since parents are intrinsically driven to parent toward different goals, conflict will arise. The trick is getting these different directions and goals to work together. Neither are wrong, they’re just different. Being aware of these differences can help parents to support each other while teaching their children.

6 Tips For Not Feeling Like A Failure

Tip #1: Don’t Allow Your Past To Dictate Your Present

It may be tempting to allow your past negative experiences to influence how you handle a moment of upset with your child. Fight it! Every moment is a new chance for something new and different.

Tip #2: Take what they say with a grain of salt.

Just because they say something, that does not mean it’s true. Whether it’s, “I hate you,” or “You’re the worst parent on the planet,” their emotional outbursts are an attempt at regulating themselves, and destabilizing your position or resolve. Remember, children regulate their thinking with their feelings, whereas adults do the opposite.

Tip #3: Don’t take things personally.

This is in regards to their words and actions. It could be for survival reasons or manipulation or simply an effort to overcome their own thinking. They aren’t doing what they do and saying what they say because of you, I promise.

Tip #4: Keep them responsible.

Don’t take away their responsibility for the things they do and say. Hold them accountable. Letting them out of their responsibility teaches them there are no consequences for their actions. That is not the way the world works.

Tip #5: Use Boundaries.

Boundaries make relationships work, and they teach children proper relating and tolerating. A lack of boundaries creates chaos, where children come to believe that there are no standards for how you treat others or how others should treat you.

Tip #6: Adjust your expectations.

If they have rarely ever done something, don’t expect them to do it now. Expect what they have routinely done, instead of your hope or wish. When they have acted poorly and you expected them to act well, your expectations are out of line.

Todd Call
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