Guilt vs. Shame: The Difference Is Important

People often use the words guilt and shame interchangeably. However, these two words have very different meanings and they can be very destructive.

We all make mistakes, and it’s normal to feel bad about things we have done or that have happened in our lives. But what about when you feel so bad about what you did that you can’t separate what you did from who you are?

Guilt & Shame Are Not The Same

Guilt is about what you did, your behavior. Shame is about who you are, your identity. Guilt allows the person to acknowledge what they did wrong in a single event, without taking it to a level of being flawed or damaged because of their behavior. Shame can show up repeatedly through multiple events and is often found in their description of what happened as being “a bad person” or having “character flaws.”

The chart below may provide more clarity on the differences between these two emotions.

GUILT	SHAME
I feel bad about stealing the candy.	I am bad because I stole candy.
I feel bad about hitting my sister.	I am bad for hitting my sister.
It was wrong of me to treat my wife that way.	I don’t deserve a be in a loving relationship.
I am embarrassed over yelling at my boss.	I’m such an idiot for yelling at my boss.
That outfit wasn’t my best..	I’m ugly and don’t deserve to look good.
My decision contributed to us losing the game.	I’m a worthless loser and I cost us the game.

What Is guilt?

Guilt is about your behavior, and is typically felt in the hands or feet. It is not a bad feeling (there are no bad feelings), but guilt lets you know that you have done something you don’t think was right. Guilt lasts for a while, but can be dealt with by making amends or seeking forgiveness.

If someone does one thing wrong, does that make them a bad person? No. However, some people, based on the events of their past, believe that if they have done something wrong – anything, even one thing – that means they are a bad person. That is instead, shame.

Guilt In Teens & Children

Oftentimes, teenagers feel like they have done so many bad things, and they do feel guilty, but don’t know how to come back from it and are afraid to ask. Talking through guilt and normalizing the feeling are key. Noting the difference between actions and identity also help them process what they have done without it taking over.

Children already struggle with emotion management due to brain development and regulating their thinking with their emotions. There can be a lot of confusion for children around guilt and shame which can be overwhelming for them. They can easily over-react to emotions, so giving them time and space often helps more than trying to explain or coach them through it.

Shame

Shame is about the character and worth of the person. Am I good or bad? It can create a sense of worthlessness, which is sometimes accompanied by feeling hopeless, unlovable, and unredeemable. Shame is usually felt in the gut or chest and is more entrenched and much more difficult to resolve. It can be carried for years and made a part of a person’s identity and contribute to very destructive behaviors, such as addictions, self-harm, eating disorders, and suicidal ideation. People often resort to these destructive behaviors that lead them away from the important relationships in their life because they already feel like they don’t belong.

Watch this video by Brene Brown as she explains how shame works.

Mental Health Disorders

Guilt is often a feature of mental health disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes, the genesis of these disorders can be traced back to an event the person still feels guilty for. The reasons people hold onto guilt are many and highly individualized.

Excessive guilt, sometimes referred to as obsessive guilt, is where a person maintains their irrational guilt and views themselves as a burden to others. Unchecked guilt can contribute to a decrease in concentration and productivity, drop in mood, increase in stress, and a lack of sleep. These symptoms can affect many areas of a person’s life.

Guilt and shame can be useful when handled properly. But when left unchecked or allowed to run out of control, they can wreak havoc in a person’s relationships and job or school performance

If you notice any of these symptoms or guilt being a significant part of your life, get in touch with a mental health professional.

Author
Recent Posts

Todd Call

CEO at Thrivology

Todd has a Master of Science degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Harding University and has been a therapist for over 26 years. He has extensive experience with teenagers and families treating relational problems, addictions and behavioral problems.